I'M HERE WITHOUT YOU BABY!!!!

This is going to be my most introspective post so far.

So I cant really decide where my heads at right now. I'd say the highlight of my day is reading emails from you guys. After talking to Daniela I'm not under the impression that makes my trip to Japan a failure. She made it sound like its just natural to enjoy these so much.

Side note: I hate the Black Eyed Peas. 'My humps' is probably the worst piece of shit to hit the radio since... well, ever maybe. The beat is terrible. It sounds like a generic knock-off of a Pharrell track: a stripped-down beat, no real music to speak of, and annoying popping. I can't figure out why someone would describe a woman's curves as 'humps.' Thats a hideous word and ruins the picture for me. It always calls to my mind camels, not sex. Terrible. Finally, the song, like most crap on the radio can't have more than 28 different words in the whole fucking thing. Ugh. Someone must be paying out the ass to keep that piece of shit in heavy rotation.

Anyway.

So there's this lonely feeling from being separated from my friends and family that's compounded by how alienated I feel from the rest of Japanese society. I can only really interact with Japanese people at work, where I'm the entertainer, or in the real world, where I have to be the entertainer to compensate for my lack of Japanese. I find that when I can't say what I want to say I just gesture wildly and laugh a lot. I feel like an idiot but when you're funny people tend to be more patient.

And on the other hand I'm enjoying that same loneliness. In Boston I hated eating alone and I always had these paranoid feelings when I did so. I thought I looked like a depressing loser to others which made me feel terrible. Here though, its not so weird to eat lunch alone because I'm a foreigner and that gives me a quiet dignity... sometimes... I feel more like a backpacker (the height of independent cool in my opinion) than a gaijin working a job for which I'm overqualified (After all I work in the services industry so how far off from a McDonald's worker am I?). To be able to live in Japan without knowing the language or anyone makes me either very dumb or very independent and strong. I'd like to think its the latter and convincing myself that this is true makes me very confident in everything that I do.

Hmmmm... I just reread what I wrote and I can't tell if I'm getting my meaning across. I mean, what I wrote is intelligible, but to really accurately explain how I'm doing is hard. Something might happen in the next 24 hours that makes me throw out everything I just said. Maybe I should just stick to anecdotes and leave the analysis to someone else.