Its getting hot and humid...

I bought a manga last night for 350 yen and I'm determined to translate the damned thing. From what I can understand so far (and this is all true) its about a high school in Japan and its new Russian foreign-exchange student. All of the students are scared of him until he shows up and the girls fall in love with his shit. Sadly, his fans include this one girl, Miki, who is the secret crush of our hero, .... ... I don't remember his name. When this Russian student is introducing himself to the class he says something like 'Japan is weak at sports.' Our hero uses this to get in his face and, maybe, to win his girl's affection. Anyway, our hero is about 2 feet tall and scrawny and gets his ass kicked about 10 consecutive times by the Russian guy for reasons I can't begin to understand, until, Michael Jordan (this is all true) shows up and fights the Russian. I think Michael Jordan loses, and somewhere else James Brown makes an appearance. The whole thing is batshit crazy and I'm quickly learning that my Japanese sucks.

Lets see. Its already 3:28pm here and I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I might give my 30-days notice on my apartment tomorrow so that at the end of the month I can leave this place. Maybe head to Tokyo, maybe South Korea, maybe somewhere else entirely. I left the United States for an adventure and living in Japan isn't enough for me. I need more. I want to go even farther away and deal with even weirder shit and I don't think I'm going to be able to come home until I've done this. Then again, I never do what I say I'm going to, so this means nothing.

Sunshine is leaving tomorrow. I'm really sorry to see her go since she's one of my only quasi-friends here. Before we parted today she said 'good luck with life.' I wish I thought of something clever to say.

My weltschmerz and the hours

I went to Himakajima yesterday. That's Octopus island for those of you who can't even read Japanese. Honestly. Get with the program.

It was alright but most of the island looks just like the rest of Japan. Tiny houses inhabited by tiny people with even tinier children, all of them pretending that they're not staring at me when I walk by.

The water was nice and I finally got a chance to go swimming. Kelp still scares the bejesus out of me. Its something I don't think I'll ever get over. There are two beach areas on the island (east and west) and from the east side you can see other islands off in the distance and its actually quite beautiful. I would have taken pictures but the battery in my camera was dead and I wasn't willing to wait around for it. Sorry guys.

I stopped a group of four women to ask for directions in my indechiperable Japanese. The woman closest to me when I said 'sumimasen' actually shrieked out loud and ran behind one of the others. After I calmed them down by explaining what I needed, one of the other women indiscreetly backed up and took a picture of me. I felt like Finbar McBride must have felt in The Station Agent. Yeah. That's pretty obscure but if you know it, appropriate.

I got lunch on the island and it was fucking delicious. The restaurant had six fish tanks, each large enough for me to lay down inside of, filled with so many different kinds of fish that the place felt more like an aquarium than a restaurant. I made friends with a doomed ray that was like 2 feet wide. I got the 'ranchi seto' (lunch set) and had an eight-dish spead placed before me for under $10. I was happily eating from this little bowl of what I thought was salty noodles, until I looked closely and found that the noodles were actually tiny fish. The heads were still attached and only the tails removed, but they were so small and unassuming that there wasn't a noticable change in texture, even for the tiny eyeballs. They were quite good. You always have to be paying attention though.

I finished King Lear in a cafe on the way home and then went to a bar with my roommates at around 10.

Hey mama, (something) that thing that makes you go (something something...) blah blah blah... I hate the music in this place.

Political insight from those who know

I think Angelina Jolie and Pink missed their mark by almost 5 years, but if you enjoy the political opinions of people who aren't fit to have opinions, than enjoy:

this article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060621/ap_en_mo/people_jolie


and these lyrics:

Pink ft. The Indigo Girls
'Dear Mr. President'

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

Its fucking raining AGAIN

I went to the NIC and got King Lear, the unabridged Moby Dick, and a collection of American plays. I won't start any of them until I finish The Brothers Karamazov, which was a present from Daniela.

While considered poor art in Japan (despite being the most popular Japaese art in the West even today), I rather like the wood block prints of artists like Hokusai. This is his 'Ghost of Kohada Koheiji.'

Are You Experienced?

I bought an extra-tall Kirin Green Label last night at midnight with pocket change. I was wearing my bandana, mesh shorts, and a T-shirt with holes in it. I used no fewer than 11 1-yen pieces, which have 90% of the value of a penny. The 7-11 employee was convinced that I didn't have enough money, so he refused to sell me the beer. I had to count it in front of him and prove that it was, in fact, exactly 211 yen. He apologized for miscounting and dismissively gave me my beer. I then went over to the park near my apartment building and drank it, alone, listening to Jimi Hendrix albums on my iPod.

Gmail search

90 of my saved emails contain the word 'fuck' and only six contain 'snuggle.'

Thats sad.

Deep lows and laughing in their faces

So that everyone's caught up: I was given notice that I would receive TOEIC/TOEFL training about 2 weeks ago. Nova instructors usually sign these training forms without reading them because its just part of the job. Or so everyone assumes. I thought I would see what happens if I refused to do so. I dodged the Japanese staff for the rest of the day, threw the form away when I got home, and sent one of my superiors (that I'm cool with) an email asking him for advice. I talked to Cathryn a few days ago on the phone and aggressively (so I've been told) told her that I refused training.

Now, today:

I walked in to work expecting a pretty innocuous day. So, like I always do, I put my book, iPod, and bottle of water down and looked at the schedule. My third block for the day had the ominous looking 'G D H' written in it instead of the slightly less terrifying 'Kinder.' Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I could only come up with 'General Disciplinary Hearing.' One of the Japanese staff that we refer to as 'Bambi' told me that my boss, Cathryn, and the regional... very important... whoever were coming in to talk to me. I got a call shortly thereafter from Cathryn who said she was on the way to 'talk about the unresloved issues of our last phone call.'

I apologize to everyone for not being able to get my phone's voice recorder to work. I would love to have audio evidence of everything that happened in that freakishly long 40 minutes.

I was getting myself pumped up right before our meeting, and I decided, with no reservations, that I was prepared to lose my job, pack my bags, and either be on my way home or to Tokyo by the end of the day.

So, when you feel that you have nothing to lose, dealing with your company's shit management can be fun.

I walked in to the worst looking good-cop/bad-cop routine you'll ever see. Frightened and easily-bullied Cathryn was in the far corner and bad-cop was brooding (hunched over with his forearms resting on his thighs) on the opposite side of the room. I introduced myself and shook hands with both of them. I sat down and opened with a joke. I can't remember what it was but they both laughed nervously. I was completely in control.

Cathryn told me that we had a misunderstanding and they were there to make sure I was on the same page as everyone else, blah blah blah. TOEIC\TOEFL training is 'part of my job responsibilities' and no one's asking for my opinion on the issue. They are things I must do. I said something like: 'hahaha, ok, but question: why do you give me a form to sign at all?'

Cathryn: Its just our way of informing you of the change.

Benn: Fair enough. But why do I have to sign training forms and not have to sign the form that you sent me when you changed my schedule to teach Chibi kids.

Bad-cop: What does it MATTER how we INFORM you? The point is that Nova lets you know. Thats Nova's policy and...

Benn: Haha ha hahaha... ok, ok. We're getting sidetracked. At what point can I say 'no' to Nova?

Cathryn: Well, at no point.

Benn: Haha, ok, so what happens if I don't sign the form then.

Cathryn: Then what you're saying is that you're refusing to do your job duties. Is that what you're saying?

Benn: (Thinking out loud) Hmmm.... refusing to do my job duties... is that what I'm sayyyyyyiiiiiinnnngggg?... YES! Thats what I'm saying.

Cathryn: (Completely bewildered and unsure of what to do next) Well... (glances at bad-cop, hoping that he can come to the rescue).

Bad-cop: (Completely pissed off that I haven't stopped laughing or smiling since I sat down and his face has actually turned completely red) Do you think this is funny?

Benn: Haha, yeah, I find this all pretty funny.

Bad-cop: What do you find so funny... (raising his voice) can I ask you to sit up straight?

Benn: Me? (raising my voice higher) You sit up straight!

Bad-cop: I am sitting up straight.

Benn: No you're not, you're all hunched over like this (I mimick him but don't get the laughs that I would have if Bruce had been there).

Bad-cop: Well, I have to write on this pad.

Benn: Haha, oh, I see. Haha.

Bad-cop: Could you please STOP SMILING?

Benn: (When he said that I completely lost it and just started to really belly-laugh with the biggest smile you've ever seen on my face) Can I not smile in this room?

Bad-cop: (To Cathryn) I hope you're writing all of this down.

Benn: HAHAHA

Bad-cop: Cathryn, could I ask you to step out of the room?

(Cathryn actually gets up and obeys this request, leaving her dignity behind)

Bad-cop: (Completely calms himself down and starts to have a real conversation with me about what's been going on)

He was really losing his cool when I refused to treat him with any kind of respect but did a perfect 180 when Cathryn left. We sat there and talked for a long time while Cathryn waited in the hallway. When I told my roommate Dave about it he said that I should have yelled 'and get me a coffee while you're at it' to her. That would have been brilliant.

So we talked it over and he calmed down and I stopped laughing in his face and we came to some kind of an agreement. I'm not REFUSING training, but given that I have an unusual amount so quickly, they're putting it off into the distant future. However, since Handa needs someone who is TOEIC/TOEFL trained, they're moving me to Higashiura and bringing one of those guys to Handa in my place.

At the end of our conversation he felt it necessary to bring up my behavior again and tried to give me some 'good advice.' His advice was not to laugh during a meeting like this again. I laughed after he said it and give him a really mocking 'oooOOOOKay!' He wanted to sit down and get into it again with me but thought better of it and left. Before he got out the door I thought I would make some chit-chat with him (realizing perfectly well that he's Scottish): 'so, if you don't mind me asking, what part of Ireland are you from?' 'I'm from Scotland.' 'Ahhh.'

People seem to be pretty positive about Higashiura. The staff is less organized, the place is messier, but a lot of students who just want to fuck the teachers go there. So maybe this is the best thing for me.

To be safe, I just sent applications to the three other big English schools in Japan with Tokyo as my destination. If they respond quickly enough I can make the trip up there for this weekend or the next and maybe get myself hired before August.

I guess I really do look like Prince

Back in middle school I used to get picked on for looking like Prince. It really bothered me then, but I've come to terms with it.

The other night, my roommates and I went to Toriko's (an izakaya in Kyowa) and a drunk-ass Japanese guy that bought me a few drinks told me that I reminded him of someone. He took a long, slow sip of sake and thought for a minute. His whole face lit up and he announced to the bar 'He look like Prince!'

Not to be outdone, some other guy said, 'No no no... he look more like Mr. Bean!'

Thanks guys. The Mr. Bean reference is a first for me, but I guess I really do resemble Prince in some way. American 7th graders and a drunk Japanese salariman can't be wrong.

Mihama

I went to Mihama, a city on the southern end of the Chita peninsula, this past Friday. There's a 10km path to hike that runs through orange groves. It was a good hike and part of the trail runs along the ocean. The beaches in Mihama suck though as they look more like Oakland harbor than say, the Cape. Theres all this industrial crap built in the water and despite the long-ass beaches, no one was swimming or laying out. The trail was fun but there are some mutant species of wildlife in Japan. I actually ran away from a butterfly. Butterflies larger than my hand and anything that can jump as high as my face gets ran away from, no questions asked.

Also, the center of my chest hurts every time I try to do push-ups. How can I tell if I broke something? Did I already ask this?

There's a mighty judgement coming...

Its hard to find a reason to go to work when its so nice outside, the classes that I have to teach today suck, and I'm only on for five lessons. Its much easier to skip work on a half-day. Someone at Nova should make a note of this.

I went out to a beer garden last night with my roommate Tom and I didn't enjoy talking to him. He was a literature major at Evergreen College in Washington State and everything that goes along with that. He likes to make tons of unfunny references to books and authors and shit. So, I'll talk about books with him but our conversation sounds more like a list of books than it does an actual conversation. Its so lame. I'll ask him who he likes to read, and then he'll just list four authors without any real explanation and then he'll mention what some other author said about books or something. I'd gladly trade him to any of you for a jar of Teddy's Peanut Butter.

I'm gonna spend today at Mister Donut again, studying Japanese.

The spiders from Mars

its raining here. im headed over to mr. donut to study japanese and finish the 1,001 arabian nights today. i was going to either go to tokoname with teruko, head out to himaka island, or hike on the orange trail in mihama if it hadn't been for this stupid weather. if it rains tomorrow as well I'll need to take a day off from work next week to keep myself from attacking my co-workers and students.

i talked to daniela this morning which was awesome. in our conversation i mentioned that i've never laughed at so many bad jokes and non-jokes before.

bored sensei: how are you?
eager student: fine.
bored sensei: why fine?
eager student: because weather is shining!
bored sensei: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! good one!

thats not even a joke.

in my own opinion im a terrible fucking teacher. im not teaching anyone anything. i also believe that im a MUCH better teacher than most of my coworkers. This guy I dont like named Mark is actually pretty good at his job, but the rest of my coworkers are terrible. This Canadian girl I work with does an activity called 'Listen and Repeat' with upper levels that is such a bad idea. Its where the teacher reads a sentence out loud and then the students try to imitate the pronounciation. its for the lowest levels only and just bores higher-level students. i heard her doing that for level 6 students the other day, and a level 6 student is capable of telling you a short story about what they did yesterday. They have a lot of grammatical problems but their english ability is pretty good, so to read sentences to them is like asking a native speaker to come up with vocab for a day at the beach. Like, are you serious?

36-year old guy from Albany: Sand?
NOVA teacher: EXCELLENT!
36-year old guy from Albany: haha. ok. how about... blankets.
NOVA teacher: Good job!
36-year old guy from Albany: Ok. Whats the point of this?
NOVA teacher: Are you sure you can't think of just one more???
36-year old guy from Tacoma: The sea. As in, I'm going to drown you in the sea if you don't actually teach me something.


Sigh. Rain sucks.


"You spin me right round baby, right round
Like a record baby, right round round round

...

all i know is that to me
you look like you're lotsa fun
open up your loving arms
i want some, want some"

Dead or Alive, I miss you.

It breaks my heart in two...

So my roommate Thomas brought his sweet-ass Mac to Japan but apparently that doesn't mean anything for me. I wanted to use his Mac yesterday after work so I sent him a text message from the train. He said that I can use it as soon as he gets home. So fucking lame. He has a password on the damned thing so I can't get into it without him either.

Who wants to write emails, update their blog, and look at some hard-core porn with another guy looking over their shoulder? Plus, I have to use it in his room so when he's home I'm in his way the whole time.

If anyone knows how to break into a Mac, please let me know.

How to lose someone in 6 emails

Things took a quick turn for the worse. Observe.



EMAIL #1

To Benjamin

Hello!! I read language-exchange recruitment at International center.

Did you get good partner already??

I want to help you learning Japanese and please help me speaking English.

My name is Manami. 23years old soon. I am Japanese woman.

I work at Aichi prefectual office. I am a local government officer.

I can speak Chinese a litte too.

My hobby is Japanese archery and tennis and snow boading reading books,,,etc.

If you have a interest about me, please give me a contact and please tell me about you.

If you can, please send me your photo.

I wait your return.

Thank you.

Manami



EMAIL #2

Hi Manami!

What kind of books do you like to read? I snowboard and play a little tennis too, but my primary interest is reading. I also love English and Japanese hip-hop.

I don't mind emails but I'm much better at getting coffee. If you have free time next Thursday or Friday, I'm available.

I'll show you my photo if you show me yours.

benn



EMAIL #3

To Benjamin

Hello!! Thank you your immediate answer to my mail.

It is Friday today!!　It comes weekend !！ Iam very happy♪

By the way, I don't know your basic information.

Are you a woman aren't you?? How old are you? Where are you from??


Manami



EMAIL #4

Hello.

My name is Benjamin. I am a man from Boston in the US, and I'm 24 years old.

please text me at bennegan@vodafone.ne.jp if you want to get coffee this Thursday or Friday.

I don't check this email account often so if you send me messages, it might take up to a week for me to reply.

How are you!??!?!?!!?

benn



EMAIL #5

Hello!!

I am Manami. Last week I was very busy!! Sorry!

I try to meet you. But , you didn't send me a photo. So my mother and my boyfriend don't permit me to meet you. I think they are careful of me.

Sorry!!



EMAIL #6

No problem. It sounds like you have a pretty scary life though. I
dont think that you have room for a friendship with me.

Also, how does a picture of me help anything? It doesnt.

Have a nice life.

benn

From Kyowa

I am updating this from my apartment in Kyowa. My roommate Thomas has a bad-ass Mac and we found an unsecured wireless connection, so I'm in business.

Nothing to write about though...

Movies that suck

I saw The Omen and I thought it was terrible. Unless Damien's father is the priest with the 666 birthmark, the movie didn't make any sense. I realize that there's a second and third movie, but to leave so many questions unanswered was pretty lame.

I watched the DVD commentary afterwards. To hear the writer and director talking about their inspiration made me hate the movie even more.

The writer said that the idea came to him when he was eating lunch with a weird religious friend and he was asked: 'Hey, what if the anti-Christ comes back and is only a small child?' The writer then ran home and wrote the first 10 pages of the story. Wow. What genius. I don't think you can use the phrase 'the idea came to me' in that situation, I think the more correct term is 'the idea was placed gently in my lap by a former friend who no longer talks to me because I hella-ripped him off.'

I was going to skip the next two but I think Christopher Walken is in one of them.

Quit playin' bitch; get in.

At Sakae again. It could start raining at any moment.

I woke up today to find some of my Japanese homework corrected with a note attached telling me 'ganbatte ne.' I don't know what the word 'ne' does to a command, but the first word means to persevere. Who the fuck corrected my homework? I guess one of my roommates brought someone back to our apartment last night after I had gone to sleep and they thought they'd help me out. Remind me to thank you with a sandwich full of pubes. Persevere! Asshole. I AM persevering thank you very much.

I picked up two books on kanji and I'm about to head to Mr. Donut again. I'll send a few emails from this laptop before I go to people who texted me about meeting up. I haven't paid my phone bill so I can't text from my phone anymore. I can receive calls and emails but I've lost the ability to make them. I'll get on it. Soon. I promise.

I haven't weighed myself since January. I haven't been able to find a free scale yet. You've all seen the recent pictures of me, right? What do you think I'm down to? I hope its not below 160.

I'm going to stop at a few travel agencies today and ask about prices for Ireland in August. Keep your fingers crossed guys.

I hope this works

I'm changing my approach to NOVA. Today I was given a form to sign so that I can go to Toyohashi on the 26th and get TOEIC/TOEFL training. Training is pretty much mandatory, but you still have to sign this form and consent to be trained. So I'm not signing shit. That's my new approach.

I have the form in my bag right now and I'm going to tear it up and throw it away when I get home. Training isn't mandatory if they need my permission to go ahead with it. That much seems clear. So, if I can refuse training, what incentive do I have to take on yet more work for no additional money? Maybe that's not how things are done in Japan but that's also how things are done when you're dealing with suckers.

I'll call my boss and let him know that if they want me to get trained then I'd better see some more money or a change in my schedule. I want three-day weekends and no more half-days. Those are my demands. That, or one tobaggan ride, per week, with any NOVA student I want.

I think I'm actually prepared to lose my job over this. I don't think they can afford to fire me right now with the teacher shortages at both Higashiura and Handa, so this is definitely a calculated risk. If I do get fired over my refusal to sign the form, than I'll pack up my shit and go to Tokyo to find a new job. I would have enough money to get by for a couple of months and I don't think it would be hard to get hired again in that time. I think I'm also willing to gamble with my job because I came to Japan to have an adventure and working at a boring-ass job while saving all my money is hardly what I would call an adventure. I should quit based on that reasoning alone and try to join the yakuza. Or move to Mie and join the ninja town. Or set up a tent on Himaka Island and live off of the octopus there.


Octopus? Octopus(s)es? Octopi?

Pictures from Kevin

(sigh)

I miss you guys.

Moderately interesting

I'm about to open up to you all and I'm already feeling guilty about it. The woman I'm about to talk about is awesome and things could turn quasi-serious between us. I just don't want to do anything that I'll regret. On the other hand, check out how awesome this is:

I'm sort-of seeing a smoking-hot possibly fake-tittied 40-year-old Japanese divorcee. That may have been the largest number of hyphens I've ever used in a single sentence.

I had a date with her last Thursday, and I missed a call from her today. I'm actually only guessing that she's around 40 since she wouldn't tell me her age. She knows that I'm older than 23 (that was her guess) but I didn't tell her exactly how old I am because two can play that game.

At the end of the night she seemed concerned that I might miss my train home, and I assured her that I would be ok. Then it occurred to me that she might be inviting me to go back home with her, so I acted panicked and asked her what I should do if I missed the train. She said she didn't know, so I told her that I would be fine then. I dont know if I fucked up what she intended as an offer or I read into that too much. She's classy so I dont think she's the kind of woman who would jump the gun like that.

She worked at a securities firm for 8 years after graduating from college. Then she got married, divorced, and began a part-time job doing reception work at a real estate firm. She moved to Canada over a year ago to learn English. She returned to Nagoya a month ago and she stared a new job two days ago.

She has awesome boobs for a Japanese woman, but they were suspiciously perky for her age and I'm pretty sure her nipples were hard for the entire time we were together (at the time I thought she was just really into me...).

On a related note:

I got a few more texts from psycho stalker girl (like she has a chance with this kind of competition) and she announced to me that she has finally finished her classes at NOVA (Im assuming this means we can hang out all the time now). I deleted her messages and im actually thinking about blocking her number.

There is no finish line

If I didn't know any better I'd say a slightly out of shape Kirsten Dunst just walked in and started to email behind me.

A few beers and a beautiful day

Tenki wa ii desu ne. Thats going to be my opening line when I start to chat with Japanese people today. I had Irish coffee and a few beers for breakfast and now I'm loose. I want to make some friends and flirt with girls but without a few beers I'm just too god-damned shy to do anything about it.

So, I threw on my favorite shirt and bought a new gray and orange bandana with a dragon on it. I'm going to make some friends.

I had a talk with my Aussie roommate today and he really isn't such a bad guy. He said that one thing about having an ego, but I don't mind him at all. He showed me his sketch book for some reason and his stuff isn't bad. I mean, it eats a dick compared to my stuff (of course) but its good.

Work sucks the life out of me. I've been listening to a lot of Neil Young and I love the line from one of his songs: 'not a day goes by and I dont burn a little bit of my soul.' Awesome. Exactly man, exactly. I wish I could just win the lottery and drink beer, smoke pot, and flirt with Japanese girls, but its not in the kaado I suppose. I've been bitching to Daniela recently about how boring my life is and whatever else, but its not Japan's fault. I think of all the places I could be right now I would be happiest here.

I have plans to meet some guy for coffee today (his English seems pretty solid) but tomorrow I want to go to Himaka Island. Himaka is Japanese for Octopus and the island is right off the southern tip of the Chita peninsula (where I live and work). You can get really good octopus and raw fish there and its supposed to be just a great lonely little island. I want to read and swim and just fuck around and inch allah I'll be there tomorrow at this time.