I'm Pro-Monkey Murder

I'm not, you understand, pro-murdering monkeys. I'm pro-monkey murder. Murdering monkeys are what they apparently have in India. Taking the monkeys in India and murdering them is what I'm advocating.

According to this article, as well as the BBC World Service podcast, a top politician in New Delhi was murdered by monkeys on Saturday. What the world service reported was that he was likely trying to scare the monkeys away and fell to his death. The online version however, said he was "trying to fight off the monkeys," who at that point had probably armed themselves with utensils from his house and tied up his family. The monkeys were probably looking for drug money and valuables they could carry away, but became unreasonable when he tried to negotiate with them.

Now, I'm not advocating monkey murder because I just so happen to be the victim of an isolated monkey attack AND mugging, ... actually, that's exactly why I'm advocating monkey murder. Yes. Other than that I don't think I would have a single problem with monkeys. They could have murdered and eaten every politician in Asia without a response from me, but they have crossed a line. When that monkey went screeching berserk and clawed at my leg, I screamed out and completely embarrassed myself. A family of Indian people behind me started laughing and Luke probably considered me a total pussy. I won't be happy until there is a pile of burning monkey bodies SOMEWHERE in the world. But I digress.

The article makes it sound like the authorities in India, and especially in New Delhi, are wringing their hands over how to get rid of all these monkeys. Monkey catchers have been employed to little effect. Poisoning them has only led to poison-resistant strains of killer monkeys. If the article on the BBC website is to be believed, they have even considered training "bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques." That's not a joke by the way. That's what the BBC actually reported. India, I beg you: do not go down that road.

Langur monkeys, pictured here:


raise their own set of problems. First of all, power-sharing. You think these ferocious langurs are going to work for bananas? You think they haven't already figured out what you'll do with them when the job is done? These guys aren't as dumb as they look. Secondly, like it or not, occupying armies rape things. After World War II, Japan actually had government-sponsored whore houses (the famous comfort women) to discourage American GIs from rape. That's not funny at all. That's just a fact. Now picture an army of sex-crazed violent monkey-murdering langurs running around New Delhi with unlimited access to Cocaine and pornography. I don't even wanna think about it.

My advice to India: do what your forebears did. Chop off their little monkey heads and make brain stew. You can even throw a party for visiting heads of state and serve it as a local delicacy. Its gotta be true, they did it in Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom. Harrison Mother Fucking Ford. Or, create a Ministry of Monkey Murder in the government answerable directly to the president, with a modest budget and a small group of reliable people.

Mr. Singh: Hey. A fucking monkey shit on the hood of my car again.
Minister of MM: We're on it sir.
Mr. Singh: I shouldn't even have to ask. You know this.
Minister of MM: We could do a little better with some more pornography sir. Those monkeys love that pornography.

"My God, what have I become?"
If you want to see more blog posts about this exact same thing that aren't funny, try this guy's modest effort. You suck guy. Also, someone who can't spell 'marauding' and loves alliteration posted here. They did not find this nearly as funny as I did.

Technorati tags: New Delhi, Monkeys, Murder, S.S. Bajwa